Q&A with Joel Hesch

What we refer to as “heartwork” is vital to experiencing victory from bondage to porn. People don’t break free from an addiction to porn or sex by setting boundaries or following rules, because those things do nothing to address the internal sensual desires that lead to chasing after porn. Proven Men focuses on creating an internal heart shift that produces a longing to live out an overall “proven” life. We call our 12-week study “heartwork” because it goes after a man’s heart through daily reflection and time with God.

Porn isn’t the real problem—lust is. unbridled lust is what fuels a desire to look at porn or engage in sexual fantasy. But there is yet a deeper issue that feeds lust: pride and selfishness. That’s where the battle must be fought and won. These twin sins of pride and selfishness cause a man to become so consumed with his rights that he loses sight of the real prize of true intimacy with God or a spouse. As long as selfishness and pride dominate, he will always be a slave to some form of sexual integrity issue and countless other self-motivated sins like greed and anger. Only when he gets serious about dying to selfishness and pride will his heart be ready to pursue and enjoy things that are healthy and pure.

One of the biggest lies to single men is that their struggle with porn or sexual integrity will go away when they get married. Patterns developed as a single carry over into marriage. I personally know how defeating it is to get married and then realize that the addiction is growing. On my seventh wedding anniversary I confessed to my wife that not only did I still struggle with porn and sex addiction, but I had crossed another line by asking a woman from church to go to bed with me to fulfill one of my many fantasies. That’s why I am passionate about telling teens and young adults to do business with it now, before they get married.

Half the men we have worked with over the past 15 years are single. The key for them is to use our materials to lay a strong foundation that must then be built on as they keep growing in faith and maturity. That means keeping other men active in their life for accountability and encouragement.

With respect to children and teens, the most important preventative measure is open and honest communication with a parent. Most of the men we work with tell us their dads either never talked with them about sex or discussed it only once. But kids need regular, open discussions with a parent about the things they struggle with and wonder about. If a parent isn’t the source of wisdom, encouragement and guidance, then culture and their peers will be their main sources of information.

Children and teens also need parents who set boundaries. This might include installing an Internet filter; prohibiting smartphones, tablets or computers in bedrooms; setting curfews for being home; and turning off cell phones at a certain time at night. Parents should even consider granting themselves access to their kids’ Facebook and Instagram accounts and buying monitoring software that allows them to read texts and emails.

The point is, parents need to build and maintain relationships so kids know their parents have their best interests at heart—even if they disagree with the boundaries.