Q&A with Audrey Assad

I have so many thoughts on this that it’s difficult to organize them. But I’ll say these two things: First, I think gender stereotypes run rampant inside Christianity. Femininity is traditionally associated with things like purity and modesty. Because of these stereotypes and how deeply they are ingrained in the Church, women do not feel free to confess or speak publicly about lust, sexual addictions, pornography, masturbation or anything of the sort. This perpetuates a cycle of shame and bondage and silence for the women who are affected, and in turn reinforces the erroneous idea that women do not struggle with things like this—the idea that it’s a “guy problem” remains the status quo because women do not feel safe to speak—they feel they will not be seen as feminine or womanly.

Second, the disparity has to be due in part to the fact that Christian teaching in youth ministry has barely shifted in all these years to reflect what the newest studies show. Young girls go to retreats and camps all over this country and hear that pornography addiction is an issue that affects men. Again, this reinforces the idea in their minds that they cannot tell anyone about their struggles with pornography, and perpetuates the cycle of shame and bondage and silence.

I would love to see pornography addiction de-stigmatized and stripped of any unnecessary stereotyping in terms of gender. I personally believe that pornography addiction is proof of humanity’s search for God (just as, arguably, all sin is). If Christians stop treating it like a secret to be ashamed of and begin to confront and confess it honestly, dig down to the roots of it, and proactively address the heart issues underneath it, I think real progress could be made.

I also would love to see the Church arming young people with knowledge about pornography addiction. I personally encountered it at 15 years old, and had no language or framework within which to contextualize what I was seeing—I had really never even heard of porn. The first time I heard about it in a church setting, it was a Sunday School course that focused mainly on men, their biology and their potential weaknesses. It warned that all serial killers interviewed on the subject were addicted to hardcore porn. You can imagine how that made me feel as a 15-year-old female pornography addict, and I can tell you with certainty how it did not make me feel. It did not make me feel safe or welcome to speak out loud what I was struggling with in private. I only felt shame and a deep, growing reticence to ever inform anyone of my addiction because I felt certain I was a freak and not “feminine” enough.

I find it somewhat encouraging that young people consider more types of images to be pornography than do older adults. That sensitivity is potentially good, in my opinion—in a person who wants to avoid pornography (the sort of person some of these young people may eventually become), a sensitive conscience and nuanced “porn detection” sensor is incredibly helpful.

I find it simultaneously encouraging and discouraging—if that is possible—that young people are so likely to see pornography as good. I hate to see body positivity (which is good) and gender equality (also good) spin off into thinking that keeps people in bondage. But I also affirm and celebrate the fact that some of today’s young people do not carry the same crippling shame about sex and sexuality that I did at their age. I have undergone more therapy because of my sexual baggage from fundamentalist Christianity than because of pornography addiction. Perhaps today’s young people, when well informed and instructed on the matter of pornography, will find more freedom more quickly than I did because they are less encumbered by shame. I have no way of knowing if that’s true, but I hope it will be.