Q&A with Marlene Soffera

The breakdown of trust is the number-one issue reported by wives of sex addicts. This is true no matter the form in which their husband’s addiction manifests itself, all the way from “simple” use of pornography to extramarital affairs (often with the wife’s friends or relatives), prostitutes, rape, pedophilia, etc. Every one of these activities is shrouded in secrecy and layers of lies and broken promises. When the lies finally come to light, usually in a dramatic discovery, the wife’s trust in her husband is almost completely shattered. It is a very long and difficult process to rebuild trust.

Second, a husband’s addiction often creates huge selfesteem problems for his wife. A woman tends to compare herself unfavorably to the virtual women in her husband’s life. She instinctively feels that she does not measure up. She is not enough in and of herself to satisfy her spouse, so her selfesteem takes a nosedive. On top of that, many a sex-addicted husband tells his wife about the many ways in which she is inadequate, actually blaming her for his addiction: “I wouldn’t need pornography if only you . . . had bigger boobs / were thinner / wore your hair differently / were more aggressive sexually / were more passive sexually / wore this costume.” The wife is left feeling worthless, guilty and shameful. Wives age, and simply cannot compete with enhanced pornographic females who are perpetually in their teens and early twenties.

A third damaging issue is a lack of intimacy, both emotionally and (often) physically. At its core, sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder. The addict often struggles to achieve a genuine emotional intimacy with his wife, often because of childhood wounds. He finds it much easier to bond with a virtual wife / sex partner because there is no need for relational give and take. There’s just take. Perhaps surprisingly, sex addicts also often struggle with physical intimacy. A husband can’t control the outcome of a sexual encounter with his wife in the same way he can when “engaging” just with himself. Many addicts deprive their wives of sexual encounters because: 1) They have difficulty achieving an erection or otherwise “performing” without the constant visual stimulation pornography provides, and 2) they have already “spent” themselves (sometimes several times a day) with their pornographic “partners.” There is simply nothing left to give to their wives. Because of this emotional and physical distance, wives of sex addicts often feel very alone.

These three issues contribute to anger and depression in the wife, and often lead to separation and divorce. This goes on to affect generations of children and grandchildren. Pornography use and abuse is not a victimless crime. It is a crime against the whole family.

A number of Christian-based recovery groups for pornography / sex addicts are designed to be led by recovering addicts. They are not programs that “just anyone” can effectively lead. Church boards don’t simply decide to start such a ministry like they might vote to start a food pantry or bus ministry. It’s like Alcoholics Anonymous. It requires a leader to be transparent enough to say, “I’m a recovered sex addict, and I want to start a chapter affiliated with such-and-such ministry.” That kind of vulnerability can come at a huge cost. Will the church leadership throw the guy off the board if he admits to that kind of sinful past or ongoing struggle? Will they “de-Christianize” him? If that man starts the group and promotes it to the congregation, will the laity shun him for his less-than-holy thoughts and actions? If that man is the pastor, will the church fire him for being a sex addict? Sex and sex addiction are a touchy subject in the church, shrouded in mystery, misunderstanding and a great deal of shame. Offering support within the worshiping community requires a very brave, committed and recovering leader who is willing to suffer negative consequences in order to provide healing and hope to others. Many congregations simply do not have a person who is sufficiently recovered to lead, or sufficiently brave to be that vulnerable.

If church leadership feels led to address the issue but doesn’t have a qualified leader at hand, they can still find a path to ministry. That path begins with research. A simple Internet search for Christian sex addict recovery groups will yield several options to explore, such as L.I.F.E. Ministries, Covenant Eyes, etc. These groups have lots of resources, and can often direct people to a recovery group in their community or a nearby city. The pastor could inquire at the city’s ministerial association to see if some other congregation already has such a support group in place. These groups are usually very willing to accept “outsiders” into their group. It is not unusual for one denomination to start and host a support group that ends up with participants from many different denominations. Each separate church can promote and support the work of the church that started the ministry. (It’s called being the Church!)

Encouraging: the fact that more and more people are approaching their pastor or youth pastor for help with their pornography issues.

Discouraging:

• Porn use is considered amoral or is increasingly accepted.
• A significant minority of respondents do not consider non-consensual sex acts to be “always wrong.”
• Women’s use of pornography is on the rise.

Increasing acceptance of pornography use will lead to increasing levels of actual sex addiction. Any, even slight, trend in the direction of normalizing non-consensual sex acts contributes to a worsening of our current rape culture. And women’s increasing use of pornography will lead them into addiction just as it does for men, and the consequences will be equally devastating. The effects of a woman’s addiction on her husband are just as devastating as a husband’s addiction on his wife. All of the issues of trust, self-esteem, intimacy, anger, depression and so on are the same when the tables are turned.

The Barna research shows that people across the age spectrum use porn “for personal arousal” along with boredom, curiosity, fun, etc. The reality for the addict—differentiated from a more casual user—is that porn is their drug of choice to medicate the pain of past wounds (often these are “father wounds,” and that’s why I recommend therapy to get to the core of the problem). Few middle-aged people who don’t already drink, do drugs or use pornography suddenly decide to start using. Rather, people usually choose how to deal with pain at a young age. While alcohol and drugs are most common, pornography is rising rapidly—and most young people do not even realize it is “medication.” Curious teens or twentysomethings (or even children) are hooked long before they know the “why” of their woundedness. We need to address the issue with teenagers and point them in the direction of healing before that happens. Unfortunately, the challenge is how to do that with the awareness, full acceptance and consent of their parents.

For married, older adults, we’re not dealing with new users, but people who have ingrained behaviors and corresponding issues. My approach is as I mentioned above: recovery groups, individual counseling and marriage counseling. It is extremely rare to hear of a miraculous prayer cure for an addict.