Relationships to Rely On

A Single Purpose: Welcoming Unmarried Churchgoers

by Roxanne Stone

I once fled a church service during a liturgy blessing for a newborn baby. I walked around the neighborhood for a good 20 minutes, hoping nobody looked out their windows to see me sobbing while I walked. Just the night before I’d been hit by a sense of certainty that I would never have biological children. Nearing the tail-end of my thirties, and newly single again after the end of a two-year relationship, the likelihood of conceiving a child was slipping away. The liturgy was beautiful—and I held no ill will toward the church or the family being blessed—I just couldn’t stomach it that day.

Readers who are single will find this familiar.

That pang of loneliness as you sit alone in a church service, surrounded by couples and families. The unwelcome jab of envy when you hear about a newly engaged couple during a social hour after church. The inward eye-roll when couples are invited to sign up for the upcoming “marriage retreat” or “pre-marital seminar” during announcements.

“Is there a place for me here?” single people may ask, when getting married and starting a family are celebrated regularly from the pulpit.

And so I ask: Is there a place to talk about singleness in a report dedicated to studying households of faith?

There must be. After all, single people likely make up an increasing number in congregations. According to U.S. Census Bureau data, a record 45 percent of Americans are unmarried. And, though we don’t study them in this report exploring inter-household interactions, more people than ever before are living alone (28%, as of 2016).

If churches maintain a posture that marriage is the ideal, they risk alienating a growing number of their constituents. If they uphold a nuclear family as the model household, they miss out on the richness of faith that can be intentionally nurtured in households that contain singles (not to mention households where couples have been unable to have children).

I have been a part of communities of faith that were predominantly single, as well as those that felt more “traditional,” in terms of makeup: nuclear families and married couples. While I felt more seen and spoken to at the former, I also missed the interactions with married couples and children that a church community can so often offer. I believe in an integrated, multi-generational church that brings us together in various stages of life—one that celebrates and speaks into each of those stages of life. With that in mind, here are some practical offerings to better integrate single people into the life of your church family and help them intentionally nurture or participate in households of faith:

• For better and worse, a primary identifier and meaning-maker for unmarried people is their work. Talk about vocation and calling from the pulpit. Invite single people to tell their stories during services—consider, for example, a weekly or monthly moment in the service when you feature someone sharing their experience of integrating faith at work.
• Do you have any single people on staff or in your leadership? One sure way to communicate that single people have a valuable place in the life of the church is to have them represented in a visible role. In addition, having a single person in leadership will help you understand and see the needs of single people that might be different from the rest of your congregation.
• If you are a teaching pastor and are married, consider limiting the number of anecdotes in your sermon about your spouse or kids. Find stories to highlight your points that come from single people or that are more applicable no matter your listener’s stage in life.
• Marriage and children are celebrated regularly from the pulpit and through various church traditions (weddings, births, baptisms). Find a way to intentionally celebrate singles from the pulpit as well, perhaps by dedicating one Sunday of the year to preach on and honor the gifts of singleness. After all, as Christians, our namesake was single, and his life is an example of the richness of faith and ministry that can result from the single life.
• Single people are, of course, not just those who have never been married. Many single people are divorced. If you know you have a number of divorced congregants, consider offering a class on healing after a divorce. Divorced people are often hurting and lonely—especially if the divorce is recent and affected their extended friend group or community. Be intentional about reaching out to divorced people and helping them feel welcome and loved by your church. An invitation to dinner can go a long way!
• Depending on your age, being single today may not be what it was like back when you were single. The dating world has changed dramatically. People are single for much longer and dating at 30 is different than dating at 20. Dating apps have changed the game for everyone. Spend time talking to those who are single and become familiar with what their worlds look like. Dedicate sermons to the realities of trying to live chastely in this environment. Perhaps offer a class on “modern dating” that touches on topics like honor, commitment, sex and relational health.
• Loneliness for single people is real. Many single people in your congregation are probably far from family (if they moved for school or a job); they may be living alone or, as this report indicates, often with roommates, with whom they may or may not share regular routines. We are all aching for community, but for single people this can be especially acute. Help foster social activities outside Sunday services that will appeal to singles. My church in New York City did a “first Tuesday feast” modelled on the old-school potluck and everyone loved it. A church I attended in San Diego worked hard to build a community of artists and musicians and sponsored regular concerts at venues outside the church.
• Enlist older married couples or nuclear families to be “host” households. Ask them to invite single people over regularly for family dinners, game nights or even children’s sporting events. Single people don’t want to only be around single people—being invited into the life of a bustling family can be a source of joy, and a single person’s presence can in turn be a valuable addition to an extended household.

Singleness can be a difficult time and it can be an enriching time. Your church has the opportunity to both support singles when they are struggling and empower them to flourish as a single person—whether that is only for a season or for a lifetime.

Roxanne Stone

Roxanne Stone is editor in chief at Barna Group. She is the former editorial director for RELEVANT magazine and has worked in publishing for more than 15 years, serving as an editor at Christianity Today, Group Publishing, Q Ideas and This Is Our City. She is currently working on a book examining healthy relationships between men and women in every realm of life. You can follow her on Twitter at @roxyleestone.

What About Dads?

Christian Fathers’ Presence & Influence Is Lacking in Households

You might have noticed that practicing Christians in this study don’t seem to share much quality time with their fathers, compared to other immediate and sometimes extended household ties. Accordingly, fathers seem to be disconnected when it comes to the actual feelings and goings-on of their housemates, namely their spouses and children. These trends become especially pronounced—and worrisome—when tracking teenagers’ responses.

For all the stereotypes of teens rolling their eyes at their parents, Gen Z in this study are actually very open with and dependent on their mothers. Consider their descriptions of one-on-one time with other housemates, in the following chart. Today’s Christian teen consistently identifies their mother as the principal housemate for almost all activities, from talking about God (70% vs. 56% fathers) to having confrontations (63% vs. 43%). Fathers only surpass mothers when it comes to playing sports (40% vs. 21%). Teenagers’ siblings are equally as involved as their fathers in key spiritual interactions such as talking about God and praying together.

In the impressionable middle and high school years, even conversations about sex (41%) aren’t off limits between teens and moms. (Understandably, when discussing sex, there is a bit of a difference depending on the teens’ gender, with 30 percent of boys and 48 percent of girls talking about this with their mother, and 50 percent of boys and 10 percent of girls covering this topic with their father). Mothers are teens’ go-to person for all kinds of needs: advice (78%), encouragement (75%), sympathy (72%). Teens also primarily seek out mothers’ opinions on questions of faith (72%) or the Bible (71%), as well as things that might be troubling them (78%). No wonder 68 percent of Gen Z say their mom was the one who was there for them in their last personal crisis.

Meanwhile, fathers play a somewhat key role in meeting teens’ tangible needs for money (74%) and logistical help (63%), though even on these two issues, they are on par with mothers.

Realistically, we should acknowledge some factors that might push the bond between mother and child to the forefront during parenthood. If mothers spend a lot of time at home with their kids, they may become the default voice on matters practical, political, spiritual, relational and so on. Some combination of maternal or biological instinct or a traditional understanding of gender roles might also position mothers as the attentive parent with a listening ear or a greater emotional capacity. Additionally, though nuclear families are the norm for practicing Christian teens, 15 percent live in single-parent households, which more often than not are single-mother households (88% vs. 12% of teens in single-parent families who say their father lives with them).

That context granted, practicing Christian fathers still have much ground to make up. The disparity seems obvious if we assume respondents subscribe to traditional ideas that frame Christian women as having more domestic, affectionate strengths and Christian men as providers and spiritual heads of households. In such a case, fathers do not seem to be filling either the role of logistical or spiritual leader as well as mothers. If, on the other hand, respondents subscribe to an egalitarian perspective in which couples come to the business of marriage or parenting on equal footing, the gap seems even more troubling, as clearly these couples are far from parity in terms of child-rearing. The reality is that, whatever the general theology or philosophy of parenting, mothers consistently exceed fathers across the board, including in instilling children with the values and disciplines of their faith. Moms are simply and inarguably far ahead of dads as teens’ partners in prayer (63% vs. 53%) and conversations about God (70% vs. 56%), the Bible (71% vs. 50%) or other faith questions (72% vs. 56%). This is consistent with Barna data through the years that show mothers to be the managers of faith formation (among other household routines and structures), but that doesn’t make the gaps any less startling.

Additionally, at the same time that fathers and teens struggle to connect, spouses appear to become less interactive in and dependent on their own partnership when minors are in the household (as explored on page 69 and 70). This study can’t say with certainty whether men and women become equally less dependent on their spouses and equally more dependent on others during this time, only that there is a redistribution of intimacy and support. Of course, a diversity of relationships and influences can be an asset to the development of an individual, a marriage or a household! But given the stark differences in how teens regard their parents, one wonders: Could a somewhat greater level of connection or at least collaboration during parenting help fathers be more engaged or impactful in their teens’ lives?

After all, though mothers appear to rise to many demands of parenthood, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. For instance, another Barna study shows that employed Christian moms struggle not only to feel connected to their work, but also to feel a sense of “calling” at all or to find satisfaction in most areas of life.³⁵ Working Christian fathers, meanwhile, thrive in all of these areas. Considering that moms carry a large share of the logistical, emotional and spiritual weight at home, this contrast in parents’ fulfillment is something the Church might need to help mothers and fathers address—especially as moms increasingly remain in the workplace and become breadwinners.³⁶ That’s a dynamic Christians aren’t alone in encountering: For instance, one study found that when wives earn a higher salary than their husbands, the latter actually does less housework.³⁷

Solving this dilemma has long-term consequences for both spouse and child. As it is, when older couples who are done raising children begin to withdraw from more socially active lives, adult kids continue to esteem their moms as sources of strength, companionship and wisdom. Mothers still meet a range of needs and provide support for their grown children or, when applicable, grandchildren. Fathers, meanwhile, may find a renewed intimacy with their spouse during empty-nesting—but they don’t necessarily regain an opportunity to be a crucial, impactful presence in their child’s formative years and beyond. For the most part, those relationships and rituals have long been solidified—or, in some cases, those chasms between father and family may be too difficult to close. Sharing more of the challenges of raising and discipling children while they are young could help spouses, or even entire households, share more of the joys of the parent-child relationship throughout their lives.

Whatever dads do or don’t intentionally invest in family faith formation, their children are still watching. For example, teens consistently identify mothers as the ones who provide spiritual guidance and instruction, with fathers well behind in encouraging church attendance (79% vs. 64%) or teaching kids about the Bible (66% vs. 50%), God’s forgiveness (66% vs. 47%) and religious traditions (72% vs. 49%). Yet there is one point on which dads see a boost: Seven in 10 teens (71% vs. 73% mothers) says their dad teaches them about faith by “setting an example.”

How embodied, attentive and consistent will that example be?